Only a mothe r could love this liver
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
