Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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