Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
