i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
