I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize