If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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