i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
