I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
