I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
