What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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