why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
