My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
