win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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