I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My pussy is not your playground.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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