dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
