Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize