textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
