She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
