Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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