OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize