Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Randomize
