She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
