he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
