you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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