so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
