I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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