That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
