im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
