Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
