your parents love me but you hate me
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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