sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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