Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
