Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
