I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
