I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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