if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
