i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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