Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
