if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
