Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
