you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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