He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
