Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
