Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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