I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
