I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
