Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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