If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
