I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
