you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sext me about skeletons
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize