I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
