Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
