I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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