i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
