I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
