Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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