Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
