I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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