She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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