I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
