his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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