Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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