You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
