I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
