This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
