party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
