And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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