New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
