I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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